my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
