My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
