PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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