so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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