Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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