I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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