just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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