i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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