Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
