my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
