I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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