Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Drunk is not a location!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
