I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
40s are totally the cure
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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