why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Randomize