it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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