I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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