I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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