Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
oh god was she eating orange peels again
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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