You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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