i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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