So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
