I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
