He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
