Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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