She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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