He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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