Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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