i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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