The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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