why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
false alarm, still single
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