non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize