I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize