Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
