drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
