Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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