Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
