Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
