im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
