peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
