An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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