I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize