Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
