Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
