We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
