my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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