The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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