my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Be still, my beating vagina.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
