Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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