nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
