Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize