My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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