Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
