Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
