Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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