i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
