I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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