my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
