So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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