Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
