I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
