what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
