So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
