How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
try to milk me bitch
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